


Bad Days and Statistics

by wendymr



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Gen, bad day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2013-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-04 22:15:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1086280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendymr/pseuds/wendymr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lewis learns that, as well as being reasonably competent in Latin, James also does a pretty nifty sideline in management bollock-speak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Days and Statistics

**Author's Note:**

  * For [paperscribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperscribe/gifts).



> With many thanks to Uniquepov for a very speedy BR.

“Earth to Inspector Lewis!”

“Eh? What’re you on about?” Lewis’s tone is even grumpier than his expression, and that itself has been bad enough, so James has heard, to keep the DCs well out of Lewis’s reach all afternoon.

“I’m sorry to disturb your contemplation, sir, but it is almost six o’clock and I was wondering if you were intending to leave within the next while?”

Lewis waves a hand irritably. “If you want to go, go.”

“With all due respect, sir, not what I was asking.” James walks around Lewis’s desk so that he can see what his boss is working on. And it all becomes clear: performance metrics across all CID teams, and, from what he can see at a glance, broken down into headings including solve rate, solve time, prosecution outcomes, resource expenditure and complaints. 

Lewis absolutely hates all this stuff, James knows. And, depending on where their team lands in the rankings – and, of course, what Innocent’s bugbear of the moment happens to be – he could hate it even more than usual.

“So what’s our serious crime this year, sir? An increase in complaints from toffee-nosed academics, or that we’ve overspent our paperclip budget again?”

Lewis looks up at him and, after a moment, sighs, his expression turning from fed up to frustrated. “Actually, overall we’re not doing too bad. Though, yeah, Innocent did just happen to mention that the Assistant Commissioner wasn’t happy about a couple of the complaints we had this year. Remember that arrogant tosser at Wadham who said he didn’t think my questions showed proper respect? Turns out he’s the cousin of some bigwig at the Home Office.”

James pulls a face. “That doesn’t make him any less of an arrogant tosser. Just an arrogant tosser with friends in high places, I suppose. I still think we should have charged him with offences against taste and decency.” He perches on the edge of Lewis’s desk.

“What, for that tie he was wearing?”

“Abso-bloody-lutely, sir. That was beyond any objective measure the ugliest bow-tie in existence. I’m still shuddering at the memory.” Horizontal stripes of purple, yellow and red in wide bands; it had been painful to look at.

As he hoped, the reference brings an – albeit reluctant – smile to Lewis’s face. “Yeah, s’pose it was, at that.”

“So...” James taps the report. “What are the instructions from On High? Read, mark, learn and inwardly digest?”

“I wish.” Lewis pulls a face again. “Would’ve chucked it in the bottom drawer hours ago. No, Herself wants a report on what she calls a–” He pauses to check something that’s underlined on the foolscap notepad he obviously had with him in the meeting. “–Continuous Improvement Performance Management Model. Wants us to pick our top five areas where we are _developing_ – that’s apparently new management-speak for under-performing – and set out a strategy and benchmarks for improvement by this time next year. And she wants it all by end of day tomorrow.”

Oh, yes; just the sort of thing to send his allergic-to-management-initiatives governor running for the nearest razorblades. And if there’s one thing Lewis hates more than having to read management reports, it’s having to write them.

“I think you need a pint, sir. Or several.” He pats Lewis’s shoulder.

His boss sighs unhappily. “Nothin’ I’d like better, but this has to get done. An’ no point leaving it till tomorrow. I know I won’t have more than an hour or so to work on it, and something’s bound to come up and get in the way.”

James smiles sympathetically. “What’s the stumbling-block? Can’t decide on the five areas? Or the strategy?”

Lewis snorts. “That’s the easy bit. Figures are all there – and we’re doing okay on most things, so I can throw in a couple of areas that’ll be easy to fix. And strategies–” He shrugs. “It’s mostly bollocks. Staff training. Increased mentoring. More time for case reviews – and then if we don’t get the results I can say it’s because we didn’t get the resources we need.” He smirks briefly. "But it’s saying that an’ making it sound credible rather than just excuses that's bloody impossible.”

James shakes his head, faintly disbelieving. “But _that’s_ the easy bit. You just have to speak their language.”

“Sorry, not fluent in management bollock-speak. An’ I don’t want to be, either.” Lewis scowls.

“Ah, but would it surprise you to know that, as well as being reasonably competent in Latin, I also do a pretty nifty sideline in ‘management bollock-speak’? James says with a grin.

Lewis stares, then shakes his head. “No, it doesn’t surprise me. What, you offering to write it?”

“ _Co_ -write it,” James corrects. “Though I will also contribute lots of pretty graphs and tables. That sort of thing always looks good... and prevents too much attention being paid to the content.” Again, he grins.

“Offer accepted,” Lewis says immediately. He shoves the report and his notes into a folder. “All right, here’s the plan: a pint or two and dinner at the Old Vic, my treat, then back to mine with a laptop an’ your enormous brain. Yeah?”

“How could I possibly resist?” James clutches dramatically at his heart.

“Yeah, yeah.” Lewis shuts down his computer and rolls his chair back, thighs brushing against James’s as he stands. “All I can say is, with what you’ll be leading Innocent to expect in future, if you think I’m letting you out of my sight before I retire you’ve got another think coming.”

If Lewis thinks James has any intention of going anywhere before Lewis retires – or even staying in the force beyond his governor’s retirement – then Lewis himself has another think coming. But he just smirks. “Better make sure you follow a continuous improvement performance management model on my morale, then, hadn’t you, sir?”

Lewis snorts. “Pie an’ a pint do you? Now, get moving – you’re wasting valuable drinking time. Now, there’s an area where I wouldn’t mind seeing some continuous improvement from _you_ , sergeant!”


End file.
